Ok, so...

Here's a quick list of things we haven't done this week because of A.) work and B.)

1. Justin's Lost post. He's gonna cover the last episode along with this week's on Thursday. It sucks because the Lost reviews are some of our most popular posts (like half of our Google Search traffic comes through them.,,the other half seems to be picture searches for 'rocknrolla buttshot'), but they take him a long time to do, I can't help with them since I'm just starting season 3, and now he's working most Wednesdays, so they're hard to keep up with. Expect them to be a bit smallerrrrruhhhhmore streamlined and compact from here on out. Also, I hope, more oiled up.


2. We didn't get around to watching two new movies that we've been looking forward to : the Spanish bloody-bandaged-Darkman-looking-time-traveling-rapist movie Timecrimes...





And Special, the superhero satire starring Michael Rapaport.




3. And we also missed our chance to participate in Final Girl's film club by writing about The Beyond, despite having like two months to get around to it, and the fact that we freaking love The Beyond. We wanted to re-watch it (since it's been a couple years), which we put off till the last minute, then our adventures in Africa began and the deadline blew right past us. Oh, well. Here's our too-little-too-late review of The Beyond : it's awesome, watch the hell out of it.


So, what did we think of Resident Evil 5? It was awesome, play the hell out of it.

Ok, well, it's a great and terribly addictive action game. The 'survival horror' aspect of the series has certainly suffered, though. There was a time when RE games were about running down dark hallways, desperately praying to a god who's abandoned you that you'll stumble across a box of handgun bullets before something you can't run by chews off one bite more than you can live without. Gamers, remember the feeling of almost sexual bliss when you'd open a new door and find a nice safe storeroom instead of a giant spider?

The older games really were about surviving a totally out of control situation, whereas RE5 (and to a lesser extent 4) are about killing waves of enemies until you get enough loot that you can upgrade your machine guns another notch. Being able to replay missions, earn money, and buy/upgrade your gear really pushes this game well over the line into shoot-em-up action, with only a couple scenes (the crocodile pond, the buildup to the lickers) actually going for the scary effect. Sure, fighting a horde of shovel-wielding psychos should be more intense than a couple of shuffling zombies in a hallway, but each and every one of those zombies were deadly. You can take out like three RE5 guys at once with only your knife and melee attacks. Remember how much fun it was taking down Re1 zombies with just your knife?


But that's just my pet peeve, the game is great for what it is. We despaired a little to learn that you'd be paired with an AI teammate throughout the story, but Sheva is actually more of a help than a hindrance, which is pretty much a first in any game we've ever played. Not only do I not have to heal her every two minutes, she heals me!? This is new. Now, Justin and I are gonna see if we can't find an extra PS3 at a decent price so we can play together online, which should be epic.

Story wise, if you're a fan of the series, you'll be glad to hear that this is the installment where that smarmy bastard Wesker finally gets what's coming to him. After two games (this one and Code : Veronica) of getting beaten like a redheaded stepchild and laughed at by that Duke Nukem looking douche, we finally get our licks in. Also, Wesker's superhuman matrix-y fighting moves in this may be impressive in real life, but they look pretty weak if you've played Metal Gear Solid 3 and 4 or the Devil May Cry games. It's nice, while watching your character get slapped around by his old boss for ten minutes, to think "Whatever, dude, Dante could flip, like, way higher and a bunch more times than you can flip". In MGS4, Ninja Cyborg Raiden had to stop this huge freighter that was crashing into shore, but his feet were sliding, so he stabbed his sword through his own foot to brace himself. Then his arms fell off and he killed like fifty dudes with the sword between his teeth. So, yeah, whatever, Wesker. Whatever.

There's a lot of excitement in the air over here at the Cry Havok!!! 'offices' as we plan for the future and get excited about art again. This means that we've been lending more time than before to actually telling our own stories...but don't worry, we've still made time to cast our judgmental gazes at plenty of other people's hard work as well. Our biggest challenge with this blog has never been thinking of things to write about, but choosing between all the things we want to write about. Because of this we're going to be cutting back a bit on the longer reviews, except for when we feel like a movie or book really merits discussion, or is being overlooked and needs what little publicity we can give it. So our new motto is : less reviews you can find all over the web, more fun, creative content. I'm psyched. Now, here's a really long, serious rant about a DVD we just watched.


We just watched Bill Maher's Religulous, in which he talks to (and tears into) believers from various religious sects around the world. Let me say straight up, yes, this is a one-sided affair. One quick-witted and well-informed professional comedian blindsiding a bunch of nervous folks on camera. Is this fair? Put it this way : I've been indoctrinated to believe in Jesus and the christian god since birth.

Don't get me wrong, my parents were half-assed christians at best, I wasn't wearing hair shirts or setting witches alight or anything. But bible stories were presented as fact, and not eventually revealed as myths like Santa and the tooth fairy were. Using the lord's name in vain would get you sent to the Principal's office, and god got a shout out right there in the pledge of allegiance. I didn't have Jeebus shoved down my throat every second like some kids did, but I was never exposed to any other options, either. God was never presented as anything but real and good, you heard the movie stars and athletes thank him on tv, now stop asking questions and open your presents.

Religulous is undeniably a pro-atheist documentary, religious figures invited to share their views just so Maher can pick their every statement apart. Which is perfectly fine, because at any time, day or night I can turn on my tv and find christians freely expressing their beliefs, and allowing no opposing viewpoints whatsoever. Religulous is a lone piece of atheist propaganda in a sea of religious propaganda so thick I sometimes feel like I'm going to choke on it, and damn, it's nice to hear these points coming out of someone's mouth besides my own.

Ok, that implies that I'm the sole voice of reason in a world of religious zealots, when in fact about half of my friends are non-religious. But only Justin feels as strong about it as I do, and he's a lot more mellow than I am, so it's me who regularly gets in long, loooonnnggg heated debates with the other half. Now, anyone who knows me will tell you, I love to argue. I'll debate you until the cows come home, then I'll start some shit with 'em. But if my partner/opponent refuses to make any real points or keeps playing the 'that's your opinion' card (aka the 'Imma take my ball and go home' card), I can let it go. Problem is, religious people refuse to admit that they're arguing an opinion. They are RIGHT, praise Jeebus, and no amount of logic or reason is gonna sway them, because they have 'faith'. My lack of 'faith', of course, in no way disproves theirs, because for some reason god has seen fit to imbue them with the light of knowledge and leave me out in the cold, but I should pray to him anyway. And every. single. argument. I've had with a christian has eventually ended with them all flustered and defensive, repeating 'because I have faith' over and over. 'I just know'. The entire christian faith seems to devolve into meaningless under any kind of scrutiny, and they simply refuse to think about it.

"I have faith."

"I just know."

"God works in mysterious ways."

"Just 'cause."

If you're christian, devout or half-assed, I challenge you to watch Religulous. I've read your bible, I've attended your sermons, I've heard your stories, as an impressionable child and again as a young man. Atheism is the conclusion I've come to after years of living in an overwhelmingly christian country, in the fucking south. Christians are notorious for knee-jerk condemnations and rejection of anything that questions the divinity of their savior, and if they're so sure of their superiority, why the defensiveness? I propose that it's because their faith is built on willful ignorance and a need to fit in, and will crumble under the slightest pressure if they stop for just one second, open their minds, and THINK.


Damn, I didn't mean to go off on a long rant here. The truth is, I'm pretty tolerant of people's beliefs, I'm willing to keep my mouth shut if it'll help a person get through the day easier. But it infuriates me that I live in a society where I'd almost certainly get my ass chewed out for saying anything anti-christian in a public place, but I have to hear grown men calling each other 'fag' and referring to anything bad or undesirable as 'gay' all the damn time, and I'm overly sensitive if I say something about it. I passed a sign out front of a church near my house a hundred times last year...'homosexuality is a sin'. I heard that after several months somebody finally snuck up and rearranged the letters to read 'homosexuality is in', which is hilarious, but it was instantly taken down and I never got to see it for myself. If I were to put a sign on my own, private lawn that said 'christianity is a sham', it wouldn't last a day, and I'd be lucky if my car and house didn't get vandalized.

One really good point Religulous makes is that non-religious people make up quite a large minority in the US. There are more people in this country willing to admit that they don't believe in god than there are African-Americans. How many more on-the-fencers might be open-minded enough to call themselves atheists if they heard the arguments for and against christianity and gave it some real thought? Where's our support groups and parades? I want a special month each year where kids in school get to learn about how many other religions there are, how they are equally or more valid than christianity, how they have a choice to believe whatever feels right to them. I want an atheist in the white house.

Sound unrealistic? Sure. For the next decade or two. But we've got a black president, and that was unrealistic a decade or two ago. And by the way...

"The Bible is not my book nor Christianity my profession. I could never give assent to the long, complicated statements of Christian dogma."

- Abraham Lincoln, American president (1809-1865).

"Lighthouses are more helpful then churches."

-Benjamin Franklin, American Founding Father, author, and inventor

"This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it."

-John Adams, U.S. President, Founding Father of the United States


Faith means not wanting to know what is true. - Friedrich Nietzsche

I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours. - Stephen Roberts

What’s “God”? Well, you know, when you want something really bad and you close your eyes and you wish for it? God’s the guy that ignores you. - Steve Buscemi (From the movie “The Island”)

Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense. - Chapman Cohen

If God created the world, then who created god? and who created whoever created god? So somewhere along the line something had to just be there. So why can’t we just skip the idea of god and go straight to earth? - Ryan Hanson

All quotes found on these two pages.

Tomorrow: Get ready for more Shaft than you can handle.

Lost... In Translation pt. 4

Rest in peace, sweet princess

Yes, even I have a heart, and that's why, for the remainder of this post, I'm going to pretend Charlotte Lewis was one of my favorite characters. Why? Because you're about the closest thing I got to a friend... and because she's gone... Well, at least now we get to go kill somebody. Yeah, there's a Sawyer quote for your ass.

Ok, let's get started. First off, let me start by saying that with the exception of a few moments, this has been the weakest episode of the season. Nothing particularly unexpected or awesome happened, (again, with one or two exceptions) and overall it just wasn't as exciting as usual... so i apologize if this post isn't quite as exciting as usual either.

Like last episode, this one hopped between The Island and L.A., so I'm gonna cover the island first, and then L.A.

This episode picks up where last one left off on the island, with Jin becoming acquainted (or rather, reacquainted) with a young, daughter-bearing Danielle Rousseau, and meeting her team for the first time. As they chat, it slowly dawns on our hero that he is not in the right 'when' and he tries to explain in broken english his situation, but fails. After much confused conversation the Korean man and the large group of French people reach an understanding that they should go to the radio tower to find the source of the distress call, and Jin can go from the tower to the beach. However, on the path to the tower, Rousseau's team meets up with a very familiar enemy.

As a member of the team named Nadine goes missing, they begin to hear a familiar series of noises. Jin tries to tell them that they should seriously be hauling ass, but some asshole blonde guy (presumably the leader) tells him to shut up. At this point, it's safe to assume that Cerberus (more commonly referred to as the 'smoke monster') is probably going to drag this guy through the forest to one of it's vents, where his friends will try to save him, but will instead rip off his arm in a futile 'tug-of-war'. Luckily for us, this happens exactly, and it's good. That's the last time some blonde french guy will tell Jin what to do.

UNPREDICTABLY, however, blondie begins calling for help from down in the vent, and I guess he was a good enough guy after all that all his buddies care enough about him to go after him. Even Rousseau wants to hop down into the pits of hell, until Jin tells her to get her pregnant ass to get out, right before there's a bright flash and he disappears.

He ends up only a few days later than he was, and comes upon where Rousseau's men made camp, and he reunites with them, only to find them mostly dead. He hears Danielle screaming at her boyfriend (Robert), and when he runs over to see what's happening, he discovers her pointing a gun at her baby daddy and screaming about him being sick. He claims that he's ok, and explains that Cerberus is just a security system for the temple on the island. Eventually Robert convinces Danielle that he's all good, but as soon as she puts the gun down, he tries to shoot her. She responds by blowing his ass away... so quick. Then she turns on Jin, trying to shoot him too, but he runs away. and then FLASH.

This time he ends up right in front of another gun, but the good news is, this gun belongs to Sawyer. After a merry reunion, the team explains what's happening to Jin, through Charlotte's crazy Korean translation powers. The group decides to continue towards the orchard, howevever, they're hit by another FLASH.

And ANOTHER.

After two successive flashes, the entire team is pretty much in pain, and it seems like everyone's bleeding except for Daniel and Locke. The beautiful and genius Charlotte, however, is bleeding quite a bit more than everyone else. She starts blabbering in Korean to Jin, and finally ends up translating herself. She says that Locke must NOT bring the others back to the island. The whole scene is pretty creepy, and she finishes with 'This Place Is Death!' Hence, the name of the episode.

After she's done with her awesome little episode, Locke and Sawyer (our HEROES) decide to leave her to die so they can hurry to the orchid. Then there's another flash, and we learn that Charlotte loves Geronimo Jackson, and tells our heroes that if the Orchid isn't there in the time they arrive, to look for the well. They tip their hats to the fair maiden, and with the exception of Daniel (who stays behind to be with his lady love) they head to The Orchid, and arrive just in time for it to disappear... luckily, however, the well Charlotte mentioned is nearby.

As the beautiful and daring Charlotte approaches death, she tells Daniel a story. She tells him that she grew up on the island as part of Dharma (further evidence Charlotte is Widmore's other daughter.). She was forced to leave as a youngster, and has been trying to return ever since, even though her mother tried to convince her that both the island, and the cake, were a lie. She remembers one time when a crazy guy came running out of the woods, telling her that she had to leave the island, and if she ever came back, she would die...

She realizes right before she dies, that the man was Daniel.

Then she dies.

Meanwhile, back at the well... Locke prepares to go down the rope to go turn the wheel thingie, but first Jin makes him promise not to bring back Sun. He gives Locke his ring, and tells him to give it to Sun, as proof of his death. Locke promises, and heads on down the well. Halfway throught the trip, however, there's another flash, and Locke drops the rest of the distance, and the well seals over. He hits the ground, and predictably, John suffers yet ANOTHER crippling leg injury. This time his bone's popping out, too. Ugh. Oh, and Christian's there, too.

Yep. Christian approaches Locke below the earth, and tells him that he still has to carry out his mission. He tells him that it was a mistake to let Ben move the island, and now he has to fix it. And yes, he will die. Locke is still dedicated though, and manages to stand up on a leg with a protruding bone just to go turn a wheel so he can die. The man's got dedication. The last thing we see is him turning the wheel...

And then there's the group in L.A. last we saw of these guys, everyone excluding Hurley was at the docks, and tensions were pretty high to begin with. They get even higher once Sun pulls her gat and blows ben's head off... Or well, threatens to anyways. Ben takes the spring out of her step by telling her Jin is still alive, and he can prove it.

At this point, Kate gets all pissy and motherly and runs off with Aaron, and Sayid, realizing Jack and Ben's intentions, leaves as well, and threatens the two with unpleasantness if their paths ever cross again. As they exit the stage, Ben volunteers to take Jack and Kate to the person who can get them back to the island. On the way there, he also stops and lays down the fucking law when Jack starts getting mouthy.

In the last scene of the episode, they arrive at the cathedral which we know is where Ms. Hawking hangs out. Ben gives Sun the wedding ring, and she agrees to go to the island with him. As they are about to enter, Desmond suddenly shows up. He's here to find Daniel's mom, which we had already assumed was Ms. Hawking. The merry band enters to meet the old lady, so they can be on their way back to the island. She agrees to just send the four of them back if she has to, and then boom, credits.

So there you are. As I stated before, it was a bit slower than the last few episodes, and practically pales in comparison to the season premiere, but it's really more set-up than anything. The next episode looks to be pretty intense, but who knows?

We watched Oliver Stone's W. last night, and it was good but a little underwhelming. This being a political biopic (and my political knowledge being rudimentary at best), I really expected to come out of this movie with a greater understanding of what's been going on these last eight years. Strangely, though, there's really not much here that I didn't already know. Still, I find it intimidating to write about these events, not knowing for sure how accurately they were portrayed in the film, so I'm gonna keep this one short and sweet.

The performances are mostly quite good, even though Josh Brolin is significantly more handsome and well, capable looking than Dubya could ever hope to be. As Justin pointed out during a scene where the college-age Bush gets up and starts dancing on the bar with his then-girlfriend..."This looks way cooler when Josh Brolin does it than it would if the real George Bush was doing it". It's actually believable that the man portrayed by Brolin could inspire enough confidence in the public to be elected president, whereas in reality Bush's election, and re-election, simply boggles my mind.

The one annoyingly bad performance is Thandie Newton as Condoleezza Rice. She goes waaay over the top into Scary/Date/Epic/Disaster Movie-like parody with her portrayal, especially the voice. I actually looked up video of the real Condy speaking to make sure I wasn't being too harsh, and no, she definitely doesn't sound like a circus freak on meth. Also, Dick Cheney doesn't really sound a lot like Heath Ledger's Joker persona, but that was actually kind of an appropriate stylistic choice on Richard Dreyfuss' part.

Anyway, W. is an interesting and enjoyable take on George W. Bush's journey from drunken fratboy (and cheerleader, which I'd have liked to see onscreen) to a completely out of his depth president. Just don't expect it to blow your mind or anything.

We're most likely going to go see Push tonight, so look for our thoughts on that soon.

Tokyo Gore Police.

We've been looking forward to this one for quite a while, even though we knew there was no way it could live up to the trailer. We finally got to see Machine Girl, which was made by a lot of the same people (the main makeup effects guy, Yoshihiro Nishimura, directed Gore Police), and awesome as it was, we said to each other 'Tokyo Gore Police will blow this away'.

But we didn't believe it, deep down. That trailer?



Nothing could live up to that trailer. Surely, all the good stuff was spoiled already. How could they top the woman with a crocodile for a vagina? Well, we're not gonna tell you how, but they do. God, do they. You need to see this.

Don't get us wrong...Tokyo Gore Police isn't an especially smart or thought provoking film. If you want a crazy Asian (crazsian) film that'll expand your mind, try Oldboy or Izo. But if you're in the mood to watch a man shoot grenades out of his huge elephant-trunk of a penis, well, here you go. Gore Police is Japan's answer to the entire Troma catalogue, without (most of) the lame gross-out comedy. Take all the scenes of people vomiting green stuff and fighting with dildos out of your average Troma movie, replace them with satiric commercials (Ala Starship Troopers and Robocop) for razors aimed at self-mutilating teens, then raise the bar on special effects, acting, and well, everything else, and you're halfway to the awesomeness of Tokyo Gore Police.

The story is set in a Judge Dredd-like future where the police force has been privatized and genetically enhanced mutants wreck havok. These mutants are called 'engineers', and any injury they sustain becomes a weapon...cut off a hand, a chainsaw grows out of the stump. A mysterious figure called Keyman inserts a key-shaped tumor (which he got from The Devil) into some part of a person's body, and that's how engineers are created. Then they start killing folks and tortured supercop Ruko chops them up into smaller and smaller pieces until she happens to destroy the tumor, and that's how engineers are uncreated. There are, of course, several twists and revelations throughout the course of the story, but the narrative's actually pretty clear, as far as crazsian movies go. Nobody flips out and becomes the embodiment of an emotion or starts backflipping through time or anything, which is a nice change of pace.


Yeah, we sound like this is the first crazsian movie we've seen, like schoolchildren giddy over seeing a hooker get cut in half for the first time. Trust us, the truly ridiculous amount of arterial spray, the brain-skewering weirdness of the mutants, and most of all the sheer creativity at work here sets this one well apart from it's peers. The music is well done, there's very little cgi (mostly just one character near the end), and each scene is more insane than the last. C'mon, can you say no to this smile?


Return to Oz

We also finally watched Return to Oz the other day. I special ordered this dvd over a year ago, and I've been really excited for it...well, the whole time. I have a tendency to put off watching things I'm really excited about until the 'perfect time' that never actually comes, which is why I haven't seen the movie adaptation of Harlan Ellison's A Boy and His Dog even though I love the short story, I've owned the movie forever, and all my friends (including Justin) have seen it. Anyway.

This is one of those weird little 'children's' movies that are really quite creepy and awesome...one we happen to have missed as kids, unfortunately. Like night-vision goggles, however, Return to Oz only gets better with age. It's sort of a sequel to the original movie, but adapted more directly from the series of books than The Wizard of Oz was, giving us a much younger Dorothy and a darker Oz. The Scarecrow, Tin Man and co. don't show up until the end (and are virtually unrecognizable from the older movie versions), replaced by a whole new cast of misfits, including freakishly tall nightmare fuel Jack Pumpkinhead (who you could almost swear was being played by Doug Jones of Abe Sapien and Pan's Labyrinth fame if you didn't know better), clockwork knight Mr. Tik Tok, and crime against nature The Gump, who is a pile of furniture and a mounted moose's head brought to unholy life through black magic. The Gump kind of awkwardly flies around for a while, desperately trying to keep his cool as his 'body' literally falls apart...kind of a more passive-aggressive Eeyore, if Eeyore was a zombie headed pile of garbage. Also, Toto shows up in the 'real world', but Dorothy's animal companion this time around is a sassy chicken named Billina.


Dorothy was Fairuza Balk's first role, and she looks 25% less creepy than we're used to seeing her. Alas, she also doesn't have any boobies, so it kind of evens out. Anyway, Dorothy isn't smart enough to shut up about her adventures in Oz, so Auntie Em pawns her off on the nearest loony bin so she can get the proper care (100,000,000 volts right through the brains). With the help of a mysterious little girl, Dorothy manages to escape during the chaos of a lightning storm, but ends up clinging to a piece of debris as a wild river whisks her away. Naturally, she wakes up in Oz, but not the Oz she remembers. The emerald city is in ruins, the yellow brick road destroyed, her friends turned to stone. Not a munchkin in sight. The city is being ruled over by the scariest evil queen ever, Mombi, who has a pretty sweet hall of interchangeable heads, so that's creepy.

Mombi is served by a legion of creatures called the Wheelers, which we couldn't find any good pictures of. When you first see the Wheelers they'll freak you out. They have wheels instead of hands or feet, and their arms are freakishly elongated so they can glide around on all fours while standing almost straight up. They are wearing masks at first, but then they take them off and kind of ruin it by just having over-acting dudes underneath. Then you realize that the dudes are kind of a bizarre mix of Pee-Wee Herman and Ace Ventura, and they get creepy again.

Mombi and her rollerblading rape-squad serve a greater force, however: The Nome King, who's more awesome than creepy, in that he's a crazy old rock man who cross-dresses on the downlow. If you haven't seen this movie, you must check it out if only to see the 'secret weapon' this guy used to bring Oz to it's knees...

The new characters are pretty obviously replacements for the earlier ones (albeit with the Wizard/Nome King switching sides), which is a little odd but also cool, kind of an 'Ultimate Oz' thing. One thing that we noticed is the characters are mostly pretty happy with themselves, as opposed to the originals who were defined by the virtues and um, body parts they were missing (heart, courage, and brain). Tik Tok expresses his satisfaction at being 'lifeless' several times, and Jack is looking for a mother figure, but never seems to blame himself for not having one handy. The Gump seems like he'd just as soon go back to being dead, but he never really laments the abject horror of his situation out loud. He does claim to be a lot happier as just a head after his body falls to pieces. Actually, all of Dorothy's friends are dead or inanimate when she finds them this time around. Man, we gotta read those books. Anyway, Return to Oz wasn't quite as dark and grim as we'd imagined from the hype, but it's certainly pretty effed up for a kid's movie, and thoroughly entertaining.

We also watched Chocolate, the new Thai martial arts film from the director of Ong-Bak and The Protector. It's about a young autistic girl who learns how to fight by watching...Ong-Bak and The Protector. It's pretty good, though it lacks a lot of the energy Tony Jaa brings to the action. Worth a look if you're hurting for some spin-kicks in your life.

Been out socializing in the real world yesterday and today, and we're tired, so this is just a quick update to keep things fresh round these parts. Most of the blogs on our links list have been passing this meme around...not sure who to credit with starting it, but just check out the links to see more. Apparently at the end of Final Crisis Superman has to supersing a supersong into some sort of machine to defeat Darkseid. To reiterate, Superman has to defeat this guy...


with just the power of his groove. And what song he actually sings is left up to the reader's imagination. That's kind of pointless, though, since we all know only one song could bear the pure sassy power to bring down the ultimate playa :

Yeah. So, we went to see Taken tonight, which was quite good. There's not really a whole lot to say about it, since you're getting exactly what you see on the commercial. It gets right to the action, which is brutal and efficient...Liam Neeson's character in this could give Daniel Craig/Bond a run for his money when it comes to wince-inducing acts of sudden violence. There's no surprises here, except maybe the lengths that our 'hero' will go to for his daughter...the kid gloves are off, filled with broken glass, and nailed to a baseball bat in this movie. But, yeah, no real twists, no sobering 'downer' ending, just a smart and satisfying action flick, the best we've seen since Shooter. In moderation, this is not a bad thing.

Ok, more tomorrow, including the review I teased in my last post. Drive safely.

Lost... In Translation pt.2

Well, folks, it's Wednesday night, so as you should all know, it's time for the second installment of my weekly summary, review and insights into the new season of Lost and damn was this episode... mysterious.

The episode last week ended suspensefully, with Ben being given a time limit on getting the Oceanic Six to return to the island. No small feat, considering the only one who wants to go is our drunk doctor friend, Iron Jack. Kate wants to protect Aaron, and refuses to go back, while Sun wants to kill Ben, and Hurley turns himself in for a triple homicide just to get away. Sadly, this episode did absolutely nothing to alleviate that suspense. The Oceanic Six were not shown even once in this episode. Instead it was all about this drunk bastard










Desmond had been living comfortably off of the island for three years, aboard his boat with his wife, Penny, and his new son (whom he named Charlie. Awwwwwwww). In fact, the episode begins with Penny giving birth to the little runt. Soon after his son is born, Desmond decides to risk his whole family's life to try to get in touch with Daniel Faraday's mother, even going back to Great Britain, where Penny's dad and overall evil jerk Charles Widmore could find him. However, Dessy soon discovers that finding ol' Ms. Faraday isn't as easy as looking for the nearest 70 year old lady stumbling over her words and killing innocent little rats, brother.

While Desmond's searching, we get to see what the islanders are up to. The way we left off, Sawyer and Juliet were captured by several unknown others, until Locke rescued them, whereas the team led by Faraday made their way to the rendezvous point. I'd like to take a moment to point out that when this guy is your best choice for 'leader' it might be time to pick up a copy of The Art of War, but hey what do I know?

Anyways, As Daniel's team heads toward the aforementioned rendezvous, Charlotte states that she is feeling even worse, and despite the fact it's obvious Daniel knows what's wrong, even to her, he ain't telling. She doesn't have much time to press him for info, because a moment later, two no-namers get blowed up by landmines. Almost immediately, the unknown others burst out of the woods, taking Daniel and co. hostage. The boss of this group of others is a young girl named 'Ellie', who most likely has some sort of connection to 'Eloise'... and cryptically stating 'You just can't stay away, can you?' (paraphrased) before taking the whole group hostage.

Meanwhile, Locke's group has taken two surviving others hostage, and are leading them to the creek rendezvous place, when they start speaking to each other in Latin, at which point, Juliet starts conversing with them, also in Latin. She explains that learning Latin is 'Others 101'. By speaking to the two men, she manages to convince one of them (Helpful Hostile) to take the group to Richard Alpert, otherwise known as Count Dracula. At this point it's more or less confirmed these 'others' are the original natives of the island, or rather, 'The Hostiles'. Helpful Hostile's buddy (Hostile Hostile) disagrees with the idea of leading Locke's team to Richard, so he does... something... seemingly lethal... to his helpful brethren before running off.

At about the same time, Daniel's group is in the opposite situation, being held hostage and forcefully brought to Richard. On their way there, Miles chats with some dead American soldiers in the ground, and we learn that there is some serious motha-fuckin' radioactive poisoning happening. Eventually the group is delivered to Richard, who assumes Daniel is a U.S. soldier, and has come for his bomb. After much negotiation, Daniel finally manages to convince Richard to let him try to disarm the bomb, by claiming to be a military scientist, and confessing his love for Charlotte. Richard gives him the go-ahead, and Danny-boy goes trotting off into the jungle with Ellie, who's there to make sure he doesn't try anything funny. During this excursion, he mentions that Ellie reminds him very much of someone he used to know. He could be talking about a couple of people, but for my theory see the 'Theories' section at the bottom of the post.

Back in our time on our world, Desmond has gone to Oxford, seeking out Faraday's mother, and coming up short. There are apparently no records of any 'Faraday' ever being staffed there, so Desmond decides to explore on his own, looking in Daniel's old lab, where he finds nothing but abandoned equipment, and some creepy foreigner who tells Desmond that Daniel's records were stricken from the school 'because of what he did to that girl.', which of course, is never clearly explained to us. What we do find out, however, is that the girl's name is Theresa Spencer, and she's now a vegetable. According to her sister, Abigail, Daniel abandoned her like that, and (dundundun) Charles Widmore was taking care of her... oh, and (dundundun) he was also funding Daniel's research before that.

Meanwhile, back on the island, the other who was being held hostage by Locke's team (Hostile Hostile) returns to his camp to report to Richard, who bitches him out for possibly leading his pursuers back to the base. As the kid dismisses these charges as ridiculous, we see Locke and his posse spying on the camp. Sawyer and Juliet decide to go try to rescue Daniel, while Locke chooses the subtle approach of strutting into the camp yelling 'RICHARD!! HEY RICHARD ALPERT!! I WANNA TALK TO YOU RICHARD!! WHERE'S RICHARD?!'

At this point, Daniel and Ellie are approaching the aforementioned hydrogen bomb, which is in fact, a big ass hydrogen bomb just hanging out in the field. Daniel inspects it, (The bomb has the name 'Jughead' written on the side, thus the name of this episode.) and then runs back to Ellie, and explains that he's from the future, and that burying this hydrogen bomb is an awesome idea. (He says it needs to be sealed in lead and concrete... So the true purpose of The Swan station may very well have been just to contain this hydrogen bomb. Thus, the fail-safe Desmond pulls later, and the huge white light and all that, was actually just the H-Bomb going off.) He explains to her that he knows that the island will be fine, because he's a time traveler and since the island is fine in fifty years, that the bomb's not really a threat. Ellie doesn't even have time to be confused before Sawyer hops in and holds her up at gunpoint.

Meanwhile, back in present time, on real Earth, Desmond (in an extremely unpredictable maneuver) storms into Charles Widmore's office, and basically gives him what for, brother. He squeezes Widmore for info as to the whereabouts of Faraday's mother, and Widmore spills like a two year old with a glass of milk. He warns Desmond that she is a private lady and will not like being disturbed, as well as begging him to go back into hiding, his hatred for Desmond being replaced by his fear for Penny after Ben has promised to kill her. However, Desmond isn't good at letting things go, so he brushes off the warning, and after promising Penny to call off his search, he continues his search, further imperiling his wife and son.

The big shocking reveal of this episode comes towards the very end, as usual. As Locke and Richard are becoming reacquainted through time, Richard reprimands the young man who escaped from Locke for being so foolish. In this exchange, Richard calls the kid 'Widmore'. As in, Charles Widmore. (See why this is important in the theories section towards the bottom.)

Anyways, in the end, Locke fails to convince Richard completely of who he is, and suddenly time shifts again, this time leaving only Locke, Sawyer, Juliet, Daniel, Charlotte, and Miles behind, with no more clues on where to go or how. The last thing we see is Charlotte's nose beginning to spurt blood before she collapses, and Daniel rushing to her side...

Theories:

First off, the easy one. Charles Widmore was apparently one of The Hostiles, as we now know. My guess is that he was in line to become The Leader (A long process that starts at a young age, according to Dracula) but was replaced when Richard found Ben Linus. Perhaps Widmore even had to move the island at some point in the past, same as Ben, and that's why Widmore is incapable of getting back to the island, and why he left to begin with. This would also explain Widmore's accusations that Ben stole everything from him.

The other theory I have kind of vaguely formed is that Ellie is Daniel Faraday's mother, and that she is also Ms. Hawking. It would make sense for Ms. Hawking to be Daniel's mother, considering they tend to work in a lot of the same fields, and the ages sort of match. Also, Daniel's rat is named Eloise, and it would make sense for him to name it after his mother. Ellie=Eloise Hawking. What do you guys think? This would also explain the mystery currently surrounding Daniel's mother in the Desmond storyline, and Widmore's warning.

And this isn't really a theory, but I just noticed tonight a lot of correlations (or homages) being made with Daniel Faraday/Ms. Hawking with the world famous physicist Dr. Stephen Hawking. The naming being only the first connection, other important ones include:

-Daniel was a professor at Oxford, and Stephen Hawking was born in Oxford.
-Stephen Hawkings book A Brief History of Time has been shown on Lost a couple of times, and it has a lot to do with time travel
-Almost all of Stephen Hawkings' work has been with mathematics, time-space theory, and pretty much everything else Lost is about.

I'm seeing all of this more as an homage than an actual clue or plot-point, but I just figured it was worth mentioning.

Well, that pretty much wraps up this week's Lost stuff. Overall, the episode was pretty good, although I would have liked to see some of the Oceanic Six. I like the characters on the island, but I kind of tune out when it comes to time travel stuff, so overall I'm definitely enjoying things much more on the other side of the world. I'm hoping next episode will give me my fill of single, continuous time lines, and judging by the preview, it should.

Catch you guys next week.

-Justin

Hulk vs Wolverine and Thor

We finally watched this and it does not disappoint. Both of the segments are between 35 and 45 minutes, but they feel longer. We were expecting a couple of simple brawl-fests, but there's actually a lot more to them than that, including more fan pampering cameos than you could hope for. Both stories were written by Christopher Yost and Craig Kyle, the former writing team for the New X-Men comics, so we knew they were in good hands. And like their run on that book, Hulk Vs gets violent, sometimes shockingly so, especially in the Wolverine segment.

Logan is called in to hunt down The Hulk after the destruction of a small town in Canada. We think Wolverine is still working for Department H at this point, like he was in the comics, though it's possible he's just on loan from the X-Men. After a short slugfest, both Hulk and Logan are hit with tranquilizer darts by a squad of Weapon X soldiers. This cartoon plays loose and fast with the comic book mythology (Alcohol actually gets Logan drunk), so they pretty much put Logan's main villains all together as the Weapon X team whether they ever really were part of it or not. This works fine for us, since it allows Sabretooth, Omega Red, Lady Deathstrike, and DEADPOOL!!! to all guest star together. The 'Pool is less of the fourth-wall breaking manic nutcase he is in comics these days, and more of the smartass mercenary he was in his early appearances, but he does get a couple of good lines. ( Professor Thornton : "We've put a lot of time and effort into you, Logan." Deadpool : "And pointy things!")

The professor wants to brainwash The Hulk and Wolverine into weapons of war, cause that's kind of his whole 'thing', y'know. It's weird, actually, Thornton appears to the only non-combatant in the entire facility. Besides the X-Mercs and about a dozen guards for Logan to slice through, the whole place seems deserted. Maybe Logan killed all the other scientists the first time they brainwashed him into a war machine? We actually see him get a pretty good start on that in a flashback. The flashback also uses the iconic image of Logan getting pumped full of adamantium and sprouting random metal spikes all over his body, which is cool looking even if it doesn't make any sense. Hey, that should've happened to Deathstrike at the end of X2. That would've been sweet.The Hulk is more of a plot point in this segment than a full-fledged co-star. Logan of course gets free, and the next several minutes are him fighting the Weapon X guys and freeing a drugged up Bruce Banner. More clawing, then Bruce finally shakes off the groggies enough to hulk out and wrecks everybody's shit. The End.

Hulk Vs Wolverine loses points for not being named Wolverine Vs Sabretooth, Omega Red, Lady Deathstrike and DEADPOOL!!! (guest-starring The Incredible Hulk!), but it's still a hell of a lot of fun. The animation's a mixed bag...it's energetic and smooth, but some of the faces are really weird looking, and Logan's physique is just wonky. The voice work and sound were fine but nothing to write blog about (phrase: coined). It definitely earns it's PG-13 rating with some blood(which promptly disappears along with the wounds when the healing factors kick in) and a surprising amount of dismemberments, including a graphic but strangely bloodless one for the 'Pool. So watch it, but maybe not with small children. Or do watch it with them. Or let them watch it while you're out selling drugs all day and they have to fend for themselves. Shit's on your head, not ours.

Hulk vs Thor is more appropriate for the kiddies, unless you're some sort of religious zealot that rails against the existance of any belief systems besides yours (even the pretty much defunct ones), in which case you really need to chill your ass out. We cool? All right.

We're not quite as familiar with Thor lore as we are with Wolverine storytell-ine, so we're not sure if the set up for this one is comic-accurate or not. Odin, king of the gods, keeps it real all year long, but he has to stop for a nap each winter. During this time Asgard is vulnerable, so all the frost giants and trolls hurry right over to get their asses handed to them by Thor and company, year after year. This year, though, Thor's eeeevilllll step-brother Loki has a new trick up his sleeve. He magically extracts Bruce Banner from The Hulk and takes control of Ol' Jade Jaws himself, which leads to some really disturbing scenes of the Hulk smilling eeevilllyyyy and talking like a Bond villain. Holki makes unfortunately short work of this segment's awesome guest stars, The Warriors Three, who are in character but get shafted on screen time. Also, Volstagg's voice felt off.

The Hulk faceoff is more of the focus here (even if he is being remote controlled by Loki a lot of the time), and it's well done. Thor's hammer makes a metallic 'CLANG' when it hits Hulk's flesh, which sounds really painful while also demonstrating that the Hulk's tough as hell. The only letdown here was the music, which is typical cartoon fight music. I had to supply Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song with my own mouth, which I think Justin really appreciated, even if he did think it was supposed to be the Rocky theme.
This next paragraph is pretty spoilery, so skip it if you care.

In a fairly awesome plot twist, Loki gets frustrated and kills the crap out of Bruce Banner. But then his hold on The Hulk gets broken and the 'embodiment of rage' beats Thor almost to death and turns his attention to Asgard and Odin himself, which is apparently further than Loki intended to go. This leads to the two step-brothers teaming up (in the loosest sense of the term) to retrieve Banner's soul from Hel, where we guess Asgardians go after death if they're not badass enough to make it into Valhalla. In a Buffy Season 6-like twist, Banner's actually finally at peace in the afterlife, and doesn't want to come back to his Hulk-haunted life again. We won't ruin the ending for you, but considering that either A. Bruce makes the sacrifice and gets the Hulk under control, or B. Mindless Hulk kills everyone and destroys Asgard, you can probably figure it out.

Hulk vs Thor was a fun romp that could have been better with more of The Warriors Three and an epic guitar riff that busts out everytime Thor summons lightening with his hammer and the power of heavy metal.

We do love Thor, but for certified X-Manchildren like us the Wolverine segment was more exciting. Your favorite of the two films will likely be decided the same way, since both are quite entertaining and well worth a watch.

Now here's some more pics of Thor being Totally Metal!!!