Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Ok, so...

Here's a quick list of things we haven't done this week because of A.) work and B.)

Resident Evil 5 Chris Redfield1. Justin's Lost post. He's gonna cover the last episode along with this week's on Thursday. It sucks because the Lost reviews are some of our most popular posts (like half of our Google Search traffic comes through them.,,the other half seems to be picture searches for 'rocknrolla buttshot'), but they take him a long time to do, I can't help with them since I'm just starting season 3, and now he's working most Wednesdays, so they're hard to keep up with. Expect them to be a bit smallerrrrruhhhhmore streamlined and compact from here on out. Also, I hope, more oiled up.

Lost tv show Jack Kate AnnaLucia
2. We didn't get around to watching two new movies that we've been looking forward to : the Spanish bloody-bandaged-Darkman-looking-time-traveling-rapist movie Timecrimes...

Timecrimes movie

And Special, the superhero satire starring Michael Rapaport.

Special movie Michael rapaport

3. And we also missed our chance to participate in Final Girl's film club by writing about The Beyond, despite having like two months to get around to it, and the fact that we freaking love The Beyond. We wanted to re-watch it (since it's been a couple years), which we put off till the last minute, then our adventures in Africa began and the deadline blew right past us. Oh, well. Here's our too-little-too-late review of The Beyond : it's awesome, watch the hell out of it.

Lucio Fulci The Beyond movie film
So, what did we think of Resident Evil 5? It was awesome, play the hell out of it.

Ok, well, it's a great and terribly addictive action game. The 'survival horror' aspect of the series has certainly suffered, though. There was a time when RE games were about running down dark hallways, desperately praying to a god who's abandoned you that you'll stumble across a box of handgun bullets before something you can't run by chews off one bite more than you can live without. Gamers, remember the feeling of almost sexual bliss when you'd open a new door and find a nice safe storeroom instead of a giant spider?

The older games really were about surviving a totally out of control situation, whereas RE5 (and to a lesser extent 4) are about killing waves of enemies until you get enough loot that you can upgrade your machine guns another notch. Being able to replay missions, earn money, and buy/upgrade your gear really pushes this game well over the line into shoot-em-up action, with only a couple scenes (the crocodile pond, the buildup to the lickers) actually going for the scary effect. Sure, fighting a horde of shovel-wielding psychos should be more intense than a couple of shuffling zombies in a hallway, but each and every one of those zombies were deadly. You can take out like three RE5 guys at once with only your knife and melee attacks. Remember how much fun it was taking down Re1 zombies with just your knife?

Resident Evil first Zombie Chris RedfieldResident Evil zombie attack Chris Redfield
But that's just my pet peeve, the game is great for what it is. We despaired a little to learn that you'd be paired with an AI teammate throughout the story, but Sheva is actually more of a help than a hindrance, which is pretty much a first in any game we've ever played. Not only do I not have to heal her every two minutes, she heals me!? This is new. Now, Justin and I are gonna see if we can't find an extra PS3 at a decent price so we can play together online, which should be epic.

Story wise, if you're a fan of the series, you'll be glad to hear that this is the installment where that smarmy bastard Wesker finally gets what's coming to him. After two games (this one and Code : Veronica) of getting beaten like a redheaded stepchild and laughed at by that Duke Nukem looking douche, we finally get our licks in. Also, Wesker's superhuman matrix-y fighting moves in this may be impressive in real life, but they look pretty weak if you've played Metal Gear Solid 3 and 4 or the Devil May Cry games. It's nice, while watching your character get slapped around by his old boss for ten minutes, to think "Whatever, dude, Dante could flip, like, way higher and a bunch more times than you can flip". In MGS4, Ninja Cyborg Raiden had to stop this huge freighter that was crashing into shore, but his feet were sliding, so he stabbed his sword through his own foot to brace himself. Then his arms fell off and he killed like fifty dudes with the sword between his teeth. So, yeah, whatever, Wesker. Whatever.

Resident Evil 5 Albert WeskerResident Evil 5 poster Chris Redfield

Thursday, March 26, 2009

FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS One Panel o' Pain round 6

Saturday night's alright for fighting, Saturday night's alright...but Friday night, that's when the real action happens! Like so...

This is the scene from Marvel Zombies #3 where zombie Wolverine tries to cut the (still alive) Silver Surfer and instead the claws rip right out of his flesh, bringing the bones with them, and his whole forearm just kind of falls to pieces. Zombies don't feel, but this panel makes our souls hurt, so it's our Panel o' Pain! Go check out the everybody else's at Spacebooger's and vote for your fave.

Written by Robert Kirkman, art by Sean Phillips.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Man, we haven't had much to say lately, largely because we're broke (so we haven't been buying many books) and this has been a really slow month for movies, both in theater and on DVD. I did watch I Love You, Man last night, which was pretty good but not as funny as I expected from a Paul Rudd and Jason Segal teamup. It was very likeable and easy to watch, but rarely laugh-out-loud funny.

awesome Dolphin tattoo smoking bong
I wanted to see Rec. before I saw the American remake Quarantine, but we never got it at the Flick-Pit and yeah, no money, so I finally gave in and watched the remake. And it was better than I expected! Nothing to really set it apart from all the other 'fast-zombie' movies of the last few years, but it was well done and even a little scary in parts. Worth watching.

Oh, and a while ago we watched Let The Right One In, the Swedish film about a bullied boy who befriends a little girl who happens to be a vampire. The critics all went into spasms of ecstacy when this movie came out, so our expectations were admittedly pretty high...but man, it really wasn't all that great. The few and far-between scary vampire bits were really well done, but most of the movie is a fairly by the numbers coming of age story. Don't get us wrong, there's definitely some weird bits, but nothing that's gonna shock you too much. A lot of people apparently found the movie really touching and emotional (the boy is picked on by bullies and ignored by his parents, like every other boy in every other movie of this type), but it just didn't do much for us. Reading up on the film, however, we discovered that the book it's based on goes a lot deeper into the freaky parts and sounds much more interesting, so we'll be keeping an eye out for that when we get some spending cash.

Thanks to the folks at Daily Scans, I've discovered a great horror manga by Masaaki Nakamura called Fuan no Tane, which you can read all three volumes of for free here (just scroll down and you'll see them listed). It's just a bunch of short (sometimes only two pages) stories based on Japanese ghost stories and urban legends. Some of them are funny or sad, but most are just creepy. Here's a sample...as always, click the image to see it full-size:

Fuan no Tane baby monster manga
Fuan no Tane baby monster manga
Fuan no Tane baby monster manga So, yeah, you're gonna want to check that out.

Friday, March 20, 2009

FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS One Panel o' Pain round 5

Spacebooger is a big fan of pain, and tonight we're bringing pain of a whole new kind to the ring...

Wolverine First Class 2 Sabretooth wasabiThat's wasabi, by the way, not uh, terraboogers.

Asian cuisine is used inappropriately in Wolverine : First Class #2, written by Fred Van Lent and drawn by Andrea Di Vito.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Lost... In Translation pt.8

Namaste. If you wanna know what the hell that means, please click here. Ok, now that we got our polite greetings out of the way, let's move on. Namaste was one of the cooler episodes of Lost lately. It wasn't very mystery oriented, but it was just a good solid chapter in the series, and had plenty of interesting and entertaining little scenes.

The episode began in modern day, as the Ajira 316 plane began experiencing turbulence and was preparing to crash. Jack, Hurley, and Kate disappear in the flash, as we know, but the plane does not immediately crash. Frank Lapidus, pilot extraordinaire, manages to bring it down safely (albeit roughly) on the secondary, Hydra island, on a small runway. When he wakes up, his co-pilot is dead, but Lapidus himself is more or less uninjured, though covered in blood.

As Frank goes to check on the crew, Caesar wakes up Alanna, who thinks he's 'Sarah'. He quickly reminds her, however, he is 'Caesar'. Ben shows up, (decidedly uninjured in the plane crash) being cryptic and creepy as usual and then we go back in time thirty years.

Now we pick up where the last episode left off, with Sawyer reuniting with the Oceanic 3. Jack shocks Sawyer by telling him Locke's dead, so Sawyer returns the favor with the whole 'It's 1977 LOL'. Jack tells Sawyer that Sayid and Sun were with them, and of course, Jin flips out and drives away.

Back at the barracks, Miles and Juliet are worrying about Sawyer, and where he went. They don't have to worry for long, though, because Sawyer drives up and starts collecting clothes for the others so they can fit in. Juliet runs home, and asks him what's going on, so he breaks it down for her. Juliet suggests that the recruitment sub is coming later.

Jin drives up to The Flame station, and when I saw this, I got a little excited. Mainly because last time Jin and The Flame crossed paths, it ended like this:

Jin rushes into The Flame, trying to check the recent data for signs of a plane crash. Some nerd named Radzinsky starts getting all over his shit, and making fun of him. Jin gives him just a small taste of what he gave Mikhail, and Radzinsky gets on the horn with all the other stations asking if they've seen any planes.

Back on the Hydra island, Lapidus is trying to rally the group and keep their motivation up with a big speech, a few minutes before he leaves, because Sun follows Ben into the woods. Caesar takes over the role of leader at this point, and completely disregards all of Frank's advice. As Sun is walking through the woods, suddenly Ben appears behind her and offers to take her back to 'their' island, so she can find Jin.

Back in the barracks, Juliet steals the new recruit manifest, and we also learn that Amy's baby born last episode is going to grow up to be evil.
Soon after, Sawyer picks up the Oceanic 3 and takes them to get recruited into Dharma. His plan is to try to pass them off as new recruits coming off the sub, so they head off to Dharmaville.

Meanwhile, at The Flame, Radzinsky tells Jin that there aren't any planes, but as he says it, there is a report of something else. A hostile in Dharma territory! Jin runs outside to try to find the person, comes to see it is none other than Sayid. They have just enough time to recognize each other, before Radzinsky comes rushing in, and suddenly Jin has to take Sayid hostage. Him and Radzinsky lock him up in the closet (the homosexual subtexts of someone in the closet of The Flame do not elude me.).

Meanwhile, Sawyer is telling the group that he can't stop the purge, and that Daniel is gone now. Once they arrive at the barracks, Miles shows up, finding out for the first time that the others are back, and almost blowing their cover. As the two are talking, Sawyer receives a call from Jin with the news they caught Sayid in the woods.

As Sawyer heads to meet up with Jin, Ben, Sun, and Frank are heading towards the boats so they can get to the other island. Lapidus is trying to convince Sun not to go, but Sun tells Frank that she has to trust Ben. My favorite line in the episode is when Frank tells Sun that he had an entire boat full of commandoes who's sole mission was to capture Ben, to which Ben responds by laughing, and asking 'How did that work out for everyone?' Soon after, however, Sun knocks Ben out with a paddle, and her and Lapidus elope to the island just the two of them.

Meanwhile, back at the barracks, The new 'recruits' are being processed. Jack meets Candle/Cheng, and has to answer a few tricky questions to avoid being caught, and he's rewarded for his skill and quick-thinking by being assigned the job of 'Workman'. We can only assume this foul injustice is Sawyer's doing. Kate is also in a pretty sticky situation, as her name is not on the right lists, but luckily Juliet comes to the rescue and covers for her. Is anyone else thinking Juliet and Kate should be together? They make a much better couple than either of them do with Jack or Sawyer.
At The Flame Sawyer takes Sayid into his custody, against Radzinsky's wishes (Radzinsky thinks Sayid's a spy, and wants to shoot him), but BuzzSaw just tells nerdface to beat it and takes him anyways, forcing Sayid to say he's a hostile to receive protection.

Meanwhile on the real island, and in current time, Sun and Lapidus come across the decrepit ruins of the barracks as they are now, accompanied by the sounds of Cerberus. While they are going past one of the abandoned buildings, however, a light flicks on, and a door opens. Christian emerges and invites Sun and Lapidus in. He decides to confuse the hell out of Sun, by showing her a photo from 1977, in which she sees the entire group. She comes to realize that to find Jin, she'll have to go Back... To The Future!! Or past. Whatever.

In the chronology of the characters' lives, interestingly enough, the photo is just now being taken, and as it's snapped, Sawyer and Jin arrive with their prisoner, and put him in jail.

That night, Jack seeks out Sawyer's house to ask him what's going on. However, when he knocks on the door, he's a little surprised to find Juliet answering it... Awkwaaaaaaaard. Jack comes to realize the two are a couple now as he comes in to find Sawyer reading. Jack begins to question him, mainly about Sayid, and Sawyer basically tells him that he's got it covered, and that people died under Jack's leadership, so it's time for Sawyer to take care of things. He tells Jack that he'll take care of them and Sayid. Suprisingly enough, Jack takes this pretty well, as opposed to what I expected:

It is at this point that Jack comes to realize Sawyer's the big damn hero now, and if anything he seems relieved. He leaves the house, and returns to his quarters. Sawyer steps outside, and happens to catch Kate's eye as she paces back and forth on her porch. They idly wave at each other, and that's pretty much it, but it doesn't take a genius to figure out that old sparks might end up flying... Now that Sawyer has slept with BOTH of Jack's crushes before him, he's willing to commit to his true love, I guess.

The show exits with a scene of a young boy bringing the imprisoned Sayid a sandwich. As the young boy delivers the food, we discover that it is young Ben... meaning that they don't have long before The Purge.

Well, that pretty much sums up the episode. Until next time, Namaste.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Check it out...Neil Gaiman on The Colbert Report...

You can tell Colbert actually knows and respects Gaiman's work, and it's cool to see the guy getting some mainstream acknowledgment. As usual, the rest of the world finally recognizes the genius that us geeks have been raving about since the late 80's.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Fantasy Casting : The Warriors Three

Y'know, there's a lot of rumors and speculation swirling about when it comes to the cast of the upcoming Thor movie (update : Natalie Portman is supposedly being considered for Sif, Thor's Asgardian love interest), but so far no news on who might be playing the most important characters in the whole mythos...

Warriors Three Thor Fandral Volstagg Hogun marvel comicThe Warriors Three are a trio of Asgardian adventurers, and are awesome.

This is Fandral The Dashing...

Warriors Three Thor Fandral Volstagg Hogun marvel comicAnd the thing about Fandral The Dashing is that he is so totally Cary Elwes.

Princess Bride Cary Elwes movieThis is one of those perfect, obvious casting choices (like Patrick Stewart as Professor X or Corey Haim as Shaft) that most everbody can agree upon. Heck, even Wizard : The Guide To Titties got this one right ten or so years ago.

Princess Bride Cary Elwes fantasy movieExcept, yeah, that was like ten or so years ago. Don't get me wrong, Elwes still looks pretty darn good for a man his age, but that age may be just a bit too advanced to pull off such a dashing, rogue-ish role today. So, who could fill those thigh-high green boots?

Gerard Butler sexy hot
Not sure how good Gerard Butler would look as a blond, so maybe he might not be the spitting image of his comic counterpart, but go watch RocknRolla and tell me he couldn't pull it off.

Next up is Hogun The Grim, the handlebar-mustachioed tough guy of the group.

Warriors Three Thor Fandral Volstagg Hogun marvel comicHogun needs to exude badassery, the kind of guy who can make you soil yourself whether he's letting loose a savage battle cry as he lunges at you with his big mace, or just staring at you...

Warriors Three Thor Fandral Volstagg Hogun marvel comic
Enter Josh Brolin, who pretty much played a modern-day version of the character in No Country for Old Men, and even made George W. Bush seem kind of cool.

Finally, we have Volstagg the Voluminous, The Lion of Asgard!

Warriors Three Thor Fandral Volstagg Hogun marvel comic
Volstagg is the burly, hard drinking (maybe just a little past his prime) heart of the team. He's a family man, a legend in his own mind, and just a really big ol' fat dude who's awesome.

John Goodman Big Lebowski Warriors Three Thor Fandral Volstagg Hogun marvel comicThrow a big orange beard on John Goodman and BOOM, Volstagg! Go watch Speed Racer and imagine 'Pops' in a good mood, and we think you'll agree.

John Goodman Death Sentence
Now...who's gonna play Beta Ray Bill?

Beta Ray Bill Warriors Three Thor Fandral Volstagg Hogun marvel comic
BTW, Justin's Lost post will probably be postponed till Thursday, cause we work for a living, dammit.

Friday, March 13, 2009

FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHTS One Panel o' Pain round 4

Ahhh, another Friday, another FIGHT!!! And we actually won the last round, so we're really feeling the pressure to bring it this time. But what could possibly top a hooker kicking a dude so hard in the crotch that his legs fall off?

Batman Shrinking Violet Legion of Superheroes George Perez Brave BoldConsider it brr-ought.

Batman embarrasses the entire Legion of Superheroes (all 274 of them) in The Brave and the Bold (current series) #5, written by Mark Waid and drawn by George Perez. Shrinking Violet up there is fine, by the way. She kinda looks like all her bones would be shattered from that hit, but it doesn't even knock her out. Batman's just that good, I suppose.

Now, go check out everyone else's panels over at Spacebooger's and vote for your favorite!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Odds and Ends

Thor lame cosplay convention guy costume
So, the Thor movie seems to be coming together nicely. If you don't know, it's being directed by Kenneth Branagh, who people seem to think is a good choice. I don't know, the only thing I've seen that he directed was his version of Frankenstein where he played Frankenstein and De Niro played the monster. I remember liking it, but that was many years ago. Anyway, he also directed and starred in a Hamlet movie that's supposed to be really good, which sounds pretty promising for a Thor movie. The cast hasn't been announced yet, so take this with a grain of salt, but apparently the frontrunner for the thunder god himself is Alexander SkarsgÄrd. I haven't seen him in anything (well, apparently he was in Zoolander, but I don't remember him from anything) , but he sure looks the part. The people on the message boards who know his work seem pretty psyched about the idea, so that bodes well. More exciting (at least for Justin) is that it's looking like Loki might be played by none other than Josh Hartnett! Hey, Lucky Number Slevin was great...I think he can pull it off, even if he does look like he just woke up through the whole movie. Now, to bring this paragraph around to a full Shakespearian circle...the movie that first gave Justin his hetero mancrush on Josh Hartnett was O, a modern retelling of Othello (in which he played Iago, a Loki-like manipulative villain, so there you go.)

Wizard casting call Thor Fabio
We're also pretty excited about Wolverine : Origins, even though they appear to have completely altered Deadpool. Now he's some tatted up freak with a bunch of other mutants' powers (check him out shooting Cyclops' optic blasts in the trailer). The thing that upset me, though, was that his mouth looks like it's sealed up. How can you make a movie featuring the 'merc with a mouth', and take away his mouth?! But then I remembered that we've also seen a cameo of the telepath Emma Frost, so maybe he'll get that power as well? That could be cool, Deadpool ranting away in Logan's head the whole fight. Or maybe that's how they'll incorporate 'Pool's tendency to break the fourth wall, by having him talk to the audience telepathically without any of the other characters knowing? That could be epic.

Anyway, having Deadpool, young Cyclops, etc. handled well would be a nice bonus, but we're not really expecting anything but a big, dumb, action-packed popcorn movie, and that's why we're looking forward to it. No big Watchmen-esque shoes to fill here, so we can't be (too) disappointed. Heck, we've already had three X-Men movies full of Wolverine fighting people, I have faith they can give us a Wolverine movie full of the same.

In comic book news, Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely are going to be working on a Batman series together! I probably shouldn't be as psyched about this as I am considering that I've only read about half of Morrison's last Batman run (I was getting them for free because my store used to carry a few comics, but they would skip entire issues and quit carrying comics entirely halfway through R.I.P., so I have to scrounge up some random issues), and it was fairly uneven. BUT, with a few notable exceptions, my favorite Morrison stories have been the ones drawn by Quitely. Their styles just seem to click together for me, in the same way Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon do. Anyway, I'm looking forward to it, maybe even enough to pay $4 an issue.

Frank Quitely Morrison Batman Robin new comic series

Monday, March 9, 2009

Who Watches My Stupid Car Break Down

I'm this close to planting a bomb in my own car and putting both of us out of our mutual misery at the same time. Of course, the car probably wouldn't start, so the bomb wouldn't go off, and I'd just sit there crying.

Maximum overdrive emilio estevez stephen kingSo, Watchmen. Yes, we went to see it, as did every single other geek on the Internet. If you want a lot of in-depth discussion on the movie you won't have any trouble finding it, so we're gonna keep this short and sweet. In Watchmen : The Movie, Dr. Manhattan does indeed walk around in the nude quite often, and his penis is huge. This really tells you everything you need to know about the movie. Watchmen alanmoore Zack SnyderZack Snyder stayed quite true to the actual surface content of the book while completely missing the point and infusing almost every scene with a Jager bottle's worth of fratboy testosterone. Nite Owl is impotent and out of shape, until he puts on his costume and kicks the shit up out like twenty dudes with his badass kung-fu and bangs a chick so hard she gets religion. Everything's over the top, everybody's borderline-superhuman...it's like Michael Bay's Citizen Kane. It's like that fake advertisement in Last Action Hero where Arnold Schwarzenegger plays Hamlet.

It's a pretty good summer action flick, and we would've loved it if it just came out of nowhere. Our friends will love it. It's just not a very good Watchmen movie. The lame costumes in Watchmen aren't dated, they're supposed to look ridiculous. Especially Nite Owl, who look downright cool and inspiring in the movie. Watchmen has always read, to me at least, as a very quiet book. There's not a lot of sound effects in it, there's very few splash pages. In my mind Rorschach, Dr. Manhattan, and Ozymandias all have very calm, monotonous, almost robotic voices. In contrast, the movie is a spectacle of sight and sound, full of music and action. Rorschach copies Bale's Batman voice, Ozymandias sounds like he's actually trying to be convincing instead of stating everything matter-of-factly, and even Dr. Manhattan sounds downright emotional at times. The movie's a lot more fun to watch than the book is to read, it's just not nearly as good. The book is about provoking thought and tearing down preconceptions, the movie is about kickin' ass and titties. It's possible to enjoy both... just don't go to the theater expecting the former and you won't be disappointed.

Nite Owl Watchmen movie
The best performance was Jeffrey Dean Morgan as The Comedian. The worst was Malin Ackerman as Silk Spectre II. Matthew Goode was also pretty lame as Ozymandias, but I think he was more miscast than actually bad, whereas Ackerman is just a lousy actress. Bubastis looked fake (and blue?), but at least she was in it, so I was psyched about that. Matt Frewer as pointy-eared Moloch was sweet. Weird prosthetic-face Nixon was terrible and unnecessary.

Two things :

1. The fighting in Watchmen is more over the top and extreme than what I've seen of the new Dragonball and Street Fighter movies, which is just wrong. Maybe Zack Snyder should've directed those instead.

2. One comic book movie Snyder would be perfect for is The Authority. That could be great, since it's an adult, R-rated story that's actually is all about ultraviolent superheroes killing things in slow-motion and fucking. Don't get me wrong, I love The Authority, but subtle it is not. He just better not have Midnighter and Apollo banging chicks and high fiving each other or I'll be pissed.

The Authority cover comic book

Thursday, March 5, 2009

One Panel o' Pain Round 3

According to our Spacebooger clock...it's fightin' time! Normally we here at CRY HAVOK!!! consider the nutshot a bit passe...it's been done so many times now that it's more likely to elicit a groan than a cheer from our jaded esophogi. Every once in a great while, though, someone comes along and elevates the nutshot to an artform, and today that someone is Garth Ennis' prostitute superheroinne The Pro.

The Pro nutshot Ennis Amanda ConnerA mighty blow for feminism was struck in The Pro graphic novel by Ennis and Amanda Conner.

Well, that's all from us this week. We'll be back from our trip on Monday, so check back then for more of that sweet, sweet blogging action.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Lost... In Translation pt. 7

Josh Holloway Lost Island Pissed James Sawyer Ford

Wednesday night/early Thursday morning. Is everyone ready for another Lost post? Too bad, 'cuz you're getting one. And since this episode was all about Sawyer, I will be referring to every character by nickname (with the exception of Sawyer)... Even the ones who haven't been introduced yet... so get ready to not understand what I'm talking about.

The episode starts off where we last saw Sawyer and his gang, standing at the well Mr. Clean just went down and disappeared into. As they feebly try to pull a rope out of the ground, The Sixth Sense sees a giant statue, putting their current time into perspective. My guess is that the giant statue is the original version of what is now popularly referred to as 'The Four Toed Statue.'Four Toed Statue Lost Island Mystery Mysteries
However, we barely even get to see the thing before cueball turns the donkey wheel and there's another flash. Er... a SUPER flash, which transports him off the island, and cures the ailments of those remaining. Everybody's nose stops bleeding, the headaches are gone, etc. etc. Well, even though that was the last time flash for the people on the island, it's far from the last time flash we get as a viewer. The story immediately jumps ahead three years.

Down in a hatch somewhere, we see a couple of unknown Dharma lackeys hanging out with some broad dancing, which will apparently piss off Lafleur... Should 'Lafleur' find out. However, the one who's actually getting action decides that it's a safe course of action and continues dancing until the two see something odd on the security cameras. Namely, their boss getting piss drunk and throwing dynamite at random shit. They consider this a very unlikely scenario, and thus decide their best course of action, is to wake Lafleur, even though this fellow is supposedly very scary. So they go get Lafleur, and we're treated to our second big surprise of the episode. Lafleur IS Sawyer.
Josh Holloway dual wielding rifles Sawyer James Ford Lost Island Guns
Apparently Crouching Tiger ain't the only employee of the Dharma Initiative... All the Island folk are. Curious indeed. By official job description, Sawyer is Head of Security, and he works with The Ghost Whisperer. Together they go and pick up the drunken dorkface and bring him back to his house to recuperate, where Pregos, his significant other, tells Sawyer that they fought about her ex-husband who was killed by The Hostiles. Soon after this Belly Bump goes into labor, and we go back three years in time again.

As the gang goes back the way they came, they find the geek kid sitting alone out of his mind, with Ginger nowhere in sight. Timecop says that time will stand still now, regardless of when they are. Sawyer suggests going back to the beach, which Mr. I Talk To The Dead argues with, but no one else has a better plan, so they do it anyways. On the way, they decide it IS a pretty thin plan, but it can be revised later or... right now, as they start to hear gunfire and the sounds of a woman screaming. They run through the woods to the rescue, in time to see a lady getting a bag pulled over her head by two Hostiles. Rushing in to save the day, of course, is Sawyer.
Josh Holloway awesome Sawyer James Ford Gun Action
He pulls his gun and tells the hostiles to drop theirs, but instead of doing that, they predictable try to shoot him. Calamity Jane manages to save Sawyer's ass by blowing the first one away, and Sawyer takes the other one out pretty quickly. As the gang approaches, we see that the lady they saved is Ms. Buninoven from Dharma Initiative, and that her companion, and the reciever of the previously heard gunshots, is her now dead husband. She starts screaming about how they have to bury the bodies because of some kind of truce, AND they have to take her dead husband's body back to camp. Sawyer objects at first, but she's dedicated, and he eventually folds and helps her. Asian Sensation takes the fallen Romeo and they head off for Dharmaville.

Sawyer requests that the others let him do the talking, but before he can get into the finer points of things, Dorkface almost runs right into the sonic fence. Sawyer demands that Widow Girl turn it off and go through it first. She appears to turn off the fence, and alas, passes safely through. However, once the gang of heroes tries to walk through it, they all suddenly start flipping out. The last thing we see before everyone passes out is Gloomy Girl pulling cotton balls out of her ears.
Kate straddling butt buttshot ass assshot hot sexy Kate Austin Austen Lost Island Climbing pillar sonar fence Par Avion
Three Years Pass: Aforementioned Gloomy Girl is now giving birth with only the help of Sawyer and a random intern who has no idea what he's doing, seeing as how her model husband is passed out drunk at their house. Sawyer's gonna need a hand with this one, so he gets Wrinkled Manly Hands herself to come out from under a car she was working on, and come to the infirmary to deliver the baby. She objects at first, of course, but Sawyer is very persuasive in this episode. She eventually caves. As Sawyer's waiting outside for news, Mr. Miyagi shows up and tells him that he still hasn't found anyone. Soon afterwards Doctor Girlfriend comes out of the hospital and informs them both that the baby is a healthy little boy.

Back to three years ago, with Sawyer waking up in New Otherton, or more specifically, in the rec. room of New Otherton. Scruffy comes in to interrogate him, and Sawyer tells him his name is Jim Lafleur, and that he was on a boat searching for another boat (The Black Rock, specifically) and that they had crash-landed. Sawyer also tells him that he's looking for the rest of his men... In return, Drunkspeed tells him 'No' and that he will be put on a submarine off the island tomorrow morning, no buts.

Sawyer rejoins the rest of his group outside, where Timebeard is watching a smaller version of Red play, and trying not to cry. Sawyer fills them in on what they have to do, but he is interrupted by the sound of alarms and people rushing around gathering guns. Sawyer and crew are ordered into one of the Dharma houses, and through the window, they can see The Highlander strutting into town. After communications break down between Guy Liner and The Mathematician, Sawyer asks to speak to Dracula, and then does so without being given permission.
Horace Goodspeed Dharma Initiative Lost Island Purge Dead
Maybe He's Born With It, Maybe It's Maybelline makes a pretty strong point for the truce between The Hostiles and Dharma being broken, but Sawyer counterpoints with 'I killed your men, and I ain't no Dharma.'. Vampy tips his hat to Sawyer with a 'well played, good-sir.' type attitude, but still demands babymama's dead husband's body in payment...

Now... I have no fucking clue what Alpo wants with that body and I ain't asking. I guess a man living forever might get kind of lonely.

After Sawyer saves the day, the Dharma folks are grateful, and decide that Sawyer and co. can stay for two more weeks until the sub comes back around. While Sawyer is excited about this, JuJu says she's gonna leave. Eventually, Sawyer convinces her to do the opposite of her original plan, AGAIN. (When did he get these powers of persuasion?!) He also promises they'll only be there for two weeks, tops...

Which is WRONG 'cuz the next scene takes place three years later again! Still in Dharma Town, Sawyer is on his way home from somewhere, and pick's up a dandelion. He walks into his house and gives it to Man Hands, and tells her he loves her. (Apparently they've become a couple in the past three years... and he has to do something sweet to cover his ass for that '2 weeks' thing.)
James Sawyer Ford Lost Island Juliet Burke
He also visits The Drunken Math-ter (Ok, how many fucking nicknames for Horace can YOU come up with?) and tells him that he missed his kid being born, and he really needs to get his shit back together. Sawyer goes all Dr. Phil for five minutes or so, and ends with talking about how he doesn't even remember Katesplosion anymore. Of course, this statement will be tested the next morning, when he receives a phone call from Zulu telling him that the other's are back. Sawyer rushes out to a very desolate spot on the island to meet Bruce Lee and become reacquainted with Iron Jack, Freckles, and Staypuft. Really, it's just a very awkward Jawyer moment, which just reminded me of what a confusing mix of friendship, hatred, respect, and jealousy those two men have for each other.

Well, that's it for this week, folks. Next one looks to be pretty intense, as predictably, not all the reunions are so friendly. The bad news? Next week looks to be the re-run week. You guys will have to wait a little while before you can watch it... and even longer before you can read about what you just finished watching here.

So, until week after next, Namaste.