Monday, February 23, 2009

Fantasy Casting the Youngblood Movie, part 2

Read part 1 here, if you missed it.

When we told you there was a whole other story in Sir Robert Liefeld's Great American Graphic Novel Youngblood #1, featuring an entirely different team, you probably thought it was simply too good to be true. Indeed, even though I read the issue in it's entirety every single day right when I wake up and again before going to sleep, I always feel a moment of deep, aching despair when I reach the end of side 1, before I remember it's a flip book, and my life is once again reaffirmed. I think my mind protects me in this way, because subconsciously I know I'd never do anything but reread Youngblood #1 over and over if I didn't repress the memory of it's greatness long enough to go to tittybars and do blogging. But it really, really is a flip-book, and dreams do come true!

Youngblood cover side 2 rob liefeld Image comicBy the way, if you've been reading along with our casting (which I'm sure most of you have) but finding Sir Liefeld's story a bit challenging, it might help to know that Shaft's girlfriend Shelly and Badrock's mom are not, in fact, the exact same person.

Youngblood Shelly Badrocks mom rob liefeldWe hope this clears things up a bit. We're not gonna cast these two lovely ladies because not even Corey Feldman could get his hair to do...whatever theirs is doing. To avoid ruining the characters, they might have to be claymation or something.

Anyway, side 2 is pure balls-to-the-wall action from start to finish. While the 'home' team is waiting all damn day for Vogue to show up, the 'away' team is jumping out of a jet to fight Saddam Hussein (Liefeld's writing is full of layers and subtext you wouldn't pick up on until you've read it many times, but trust me, 'Haddam Kussein' is a cleverly veiled reference to Saddam) and his mech army. No, seriously.

One of the many ways Youngblood is ahead of it's time is that, if you count both teams, it boasts twice as many black men as your average super team (two). Sentinel is the team's leader, even if he does get knocked out early on and act like a complete pushover when his soldiers brazenly disobey orders. Assuming Sam Jackson doesn't want to play him also, there's only one other African-American actor with the chops to pull this off...

Youngblood Rob Liefeld Sentinel Morgan FreemanAnother way Youngblood raised the bar is the subtle homosexual undertones in the friendship between heavy hitters Combat and Cougar. As an example, observe this scene, in which they totally do it in the butt.

Cougar Combat Rob Liefeld Youngblood
Combat may or may not have size changing powers. His height seems to range from about six to twenty feet tall, but Liefeld is the guy who infamously drew Captain America's shield anywhere between the size of a dinnerplate and the size of monster-truck tire. By the by, Combat's gun may also have size and shape changing powers. Anyway, we think he should be played by a twenty foot tall CGI Worf.

Combat Younblood Rob Liefeld Worf Star TrekWe aaallllmost went with Stifler's mom to play Cougar just based on the name alone, but then Justin pointed out a certain actor, and it just made sense.

Cougar Youngblood Rob Liefeld Jonah HillOne character on the away team actually displays a personality trait other than 'Xtreme', and that's Psi-Fire, who's a snotty douchebag. So he has to be played by the 'cocky blonde guy' from Not Another Teen Movie.

Image comic Psi-Fire Youngblood Rob Liefeld Eric Christian Olsen
Riptide looks like a drag queen that just got done doing squats, but in this case we've decided to cast the part based on what was almost certainly the artist's intent rather than the finished product.
Riptide Youngblood Rob Liefeld Pamela Anderson Baywatch
Brahma is a generic Strong Guy character who inexplicably took his name from four-headed Hindu god of creation and his ass from a Puerto Rican woman.
Brahma Youngblood Rob Liefeld buttshotOne quick haircut and dye, and...

Brahma Barbarian Twins Youngblood Rob LiefeldAnd now we come to the most mysterious figure in the whole book, Photon. On the inside of the cover, Photon is listed as part of the away team, but he's nowhere to be found in that story. He is, however, briefly seen at the home team's HQ. Shaft walks past him and says "Oh, so we get the pleasure of your company tonight, Photon?", to which Photon replies "Sir?". Then everyone goes to stop that escape attempt, but Photon doesn't go with them. This may be the single most challenging and complex panel in the entire book. Is Shaft really upset that Photon apparently missed an earlier meeting, or is he joking around? Clearly, Photon is confused by Shaft's statement, but neither he nor the reader gets any sort of answer. It's left to the scholars of the future to ponder the meaning of this exchange. Meanwhile...

Photon Keanu Reeves Youngblood Rob LiefeldAnd that's the entire Youngblood roster. As for villains, we assume actual footage of Saddam Hussein will be used for the Hassan Kussein character. The team of criminals who the home team are sent to fight in side 1 are The Four, two of which (Starbright and Deadlock) appear so briefly and are so ridiculous(ly awesome) looking that they defy casting. As for Redheaded Brahma, a.k.a. Strongarm and his buddy Gage...

Gage Strongarm Tom Berenger Barbarian Brothers Youngblood Rob LiefeldSo, there you have it. We trust that the man who brought us the Rush Hour we never watched, Brett Ratner, will take our suggestions in consideration and make a Youngblood film we can all be proud of. And if you think this whole post was just our veiled attempt to get bodybuilding icons and film legends The Barbarian Brothers back onscreen again, you may just be on to something. But if you think we've been unfair in our treatment of Rob Liefeld, we just want you to remember this: Rob Liefeld gave Captain America titties.

Captain America tits Youngblood Rob LiefeldYou know, there's so much that's so glaringly wrong about this picture, I wonder how many people have even noticed that his little head-wings are completely uneven. That's just unforgivable.

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