Monday, January 19, 2009

Ok, Justin's asleep, so I, Nick, am writing this post alone. I'll mostly be the one doing the actual typing on here anyway (albeit with Justin looking over my shoulder and correcting my spelling) , so from now on it'll work like this : Instead of saying 'we' all the time like we're a big magazine staff or something, 'I' will be Nick unless otherwise noted, and of course it'll still be 'we' when referring to something both of us did or agree upon. When Justin's doing the writing (he'll be doing a weekly commentary on the new Lost season without me, for instance, since I'm just getting started on season 1) he'll let you know, and he'll use italics or a different font color. Yeah, I know this is a really boring topic, and we're gonna do our best to watch, read and play as much stuff as we can together anyway, but we're just figuring out the details here so we can make this sucker worth reading on a regular basis. At least this way we won't have to write 'Nick said this, but Justin said that' when you know damn well one of us is typing in third person.

Dr Doom tears crying marvel fantastic four
So anyway, while Justin was scooping ice cream for obnoxious tourists tonight, I was watching The Unborn, which feels like it should be a remake but apparently isn't. There are like a dozen other movies named The Unborn, though, and this one does unabashedly crib from many, many better films, so it kinda almost is a remake of sorts. The ensemble cast includes Gary Oldman, Odette Yustman, and Odette Yustman's ass.

Odette Yustman butt ass panties Unborn poster horror hot girl
Yustman parades around in her panties for a total of about two minutes, but to be fair, they are a couple of pretty spectacular minutes. If I had a body as good as hers I'd let sleazy movie producers exploit it too. She's not a bad actress, either, as far as I can tell from watching her in one rather generic horror flick. She comes off as a more approachable Megan Fox. As for Gary's just weird seeing him in this. He plays a jewish rabbi, sans accent or really anything at all to define him as jewish, much less a rabbi. He wears a kippah cap and throws down some hebrew at the end, that's about it. But he's Gary Oldman, so that's awesome. Other than that, we have a boyfriend character who manages to always be there for and do right by his girl while also coming across as a huge, completely unlikeable douche (I think it's the hair) and the token black best friend character, who's quite attractive when she's not talking or stealing candy from the Old Folks Home. That was pretty F'ed up.

Meagan Good hot black girl chick actress candy thief
Ok, so our heroinne is being haunted by a jewish ghost that can't get into heaven called a dybbuk, but then a couple of times they say it's older than humanity and from another dimension, so maybe it's not a ghost, but some kind of Lovecraftian demon critter. I like that better so let's go with that. Son of Cthulhu wants to possess our fair-derriered young protagonist (or DOES HE?!), which he attempts to do by possessing a bunch of other people. He wants to possess Odette especially because her eyes are different colors and Nazis. Look, it all more or less makes sense in the movie, but it's kind of boring and I'm not gonna explain it here, because the bottom line is whether The Unborn is any good or not, and dammit, it's ok.

The shock scares are all very, very predictable if you've ever (ever) seen a horror flick before, but some of the imagery is pretty creepy, especially Mask-Dog (hint: there's a reason he's wearing the mask). It's definitely a PG-13 movie; there's very little in the way of gore, even though the Cthulhu Jr. racks up a pretty good bodycount toward the end. There's no nudity, but the vagina-cleavage should tide you over. There's also a glory-hole, but it's not used properly.

The storyline isn't bad, but it also isn't really good, and it can't overcome the feeling of tediousness that even short chunks of exposition evoke when you're waiting to see a girl in her panties get bitten by something. You know what movie did though? Exorcist 3. Now there was an exorcism film that was interesting even when old ladies weren't crawling on ceilings.

So there you go, my recommendation is that you go rent Exorcist 3 tonight (hell, buy it, live a little), then download the scene from Mirrors where Amy Smart tears half of her own head off from somewhere (but don't watch the rest of the movie, it's godawful), then wait to watch The Unborn on DVD. I also recommend saving the jpeg of the poster up there. It's loneliness medicine.

We're gonna check out the big inauguration tomorrow. We heard there might be a black guy there, so we're hoping for a breakdance competition. We'll let you know how that goes.


  1. She does have a rather nice bum.

  2. I would love to see more bums on this blog myself. Bums are the way to go! And not boy ones, Nick. You mostly-homo. :p
    (It's Michelle, so now you probably understand the joke more.)

  3. Looks even better from the front, ladies.

    And this will, indeed, be your one-stop shop for all your bum related needs, be they male or female, bearded or set aflame by frat guys.

  4. Nick, you are hysterical. I'll be frequenting this blog from now on. Thank you for the laughs.